It's been a week since C flew off to Europe for a 2-week intensive sports camp and all the news from the seaside camp is extremely positive. He has been teaching in the mornings and helping out the teams at matches by filming. They are staying at a nice older hotel situated ON the beach. I have to admit that I'm extremely jealous when he calls to tell me about his jogs down the beach and the sunset views over the waves with light breezes and cool 65 degree weather. I'm hearing that with my ears while staring out the window at dust storms and experiencing temps of 110+ degrees. For instance, it's 12:30am and I just checked the internet and our temp is 91...it's 12:30AM!
C has 36 students he is getting to know through class, soccer matches, meal times, a few rounds of bowling, and leisure time. Each time we talk, he tells me about another student or a coach that he has spent time with during the day. I would have to say by listening to him that he is doing what he loves to do--investing. They have had 3 matches against local teams so far with their 4th one this evening. When he is not digging deeper with students or coaches, he is fine tuning his curriculum for the upcoming year. He and his coordinating teacher are working hard to have all of their material updated and work books printed by the end of June.
You can be thinking of him tomorrow morning he tries surfing for the first time. He and one of the coaches are on the lookout for some wet-suits and will borrow a board or two for their manly adventure. I hope someone will snap a few shots and send them my way!
As for me, I've been keeping busy with friends, work-outs, a new storying group, and odd jobs around the house. My favorite time would have to be the storying group. I haven't been apart of one since moving here, and loved our first study time together. Out of the seven us, two ladies do not have English as a first language. But you would never know it! They both speak English fluently and most of the time I forget that English is not their first language. At one point during the study I made the comment, "it was such a bad day that all I wanted was a double date with Ben& Jerry". The American ladies all chuckled while nodding their heads while my German and South African friends just stared at me. Then it hit me...I had referred to something that they were not familiar with. I hate it when I do that! It makes others feel so awkward and out of place, which was not my intention at all. I quickly explained who/what Ben&Jerry's and they laughed with the others.
Something to think about:
C--teaching will continue to go well at camp; learn ALL the names/faces of students; cultivate solid foundations for friendships with the coaches and team guides; bring him home safely to me on the 13th of June
E--sleep through the night; thankful for time with Holly; insight for storying group;
Friday, June 6, 2008
The Friendship Dance
Last night was a turning point for my friendship with Holly. Although a friend and I have been meeting with her weekly for over three months, we were still treated with a bit of curious caution by her sisters and other female relatives. Several months ago, when we attended the engagement party of her cousin, my friend and I sat alone at a huge round table as if we had a neon sign pointing to our table blinking the word "OUTSIDERS!" Not last night. No, we were graced with Holly's cousin, Naomi, who welcomed us into their world. She has spent much time abroad and was looking forward to an evening fielding our questions and exercising her excellent English skills.
We were cordially welcomed by Holly's family with hello's and the kiss on the cheek. But we were still being held at arms length emotionally after the formalities were completed. Which was okay, because we realize that building friends with Arab women is just that--BUILDING. It takes much more time and patience than in the West because they are accustomed to only having female family members as friends. They typically don't move away from home, so the families are extremely large and very well connected. Whereas, in the West, frequent moving within families causes people to look outside of the family circle for friends.
One thing I noticed right off, was that many of women were choosing to wear their abayas even when others were showing off their new formal wear. Naomi told me that friends of the family or distant relatives do not take off their abayas. It was only those within the wedding party who had the option of not wearing the abaya. Ooops! Another cultural faux paux for me! Oh well--it's not like I had an abaya hanging in the car, and neither did my friend. So, we were the 2 western odd-ball women with no wedding gift and no abaya. Strike TWO for the evening in building a bridge with Holly's immediate family members.
But did I allow the ball to pass the plate a third time without swinging all the way through? No way! I looked at that cultural ball dead on and said, "Bring it!" I swung and hit a home run into the hearts of her family. How, you ask? Dancing. I know. Many of you are probably thinking you have seen me dance and it's nothing to brag about nor something you'd want to see again. At an Arab wedding parties (no matter what stage) only the immediate family members are invited to dance during the evening. All other ladies sit around the dance floor clapping to the beat and throwing money onto the dancers. I asked Holly when she was going to dance and she told me that it was not really her thing and would wait until late in the night to get onto the dance floor.
Now the dance floor is never overly crowded, even though there are nearly 100 women in attendance at this party. It seemed like an intricate social signal as to who was to dance when and with which group. There were even a few older Bedouin style songs played during the evening. The older ladies would cover their face with a veil and then sway back and forth to the music while the younger ones clapped for them. Not one Top 40 hit came on during the night. It was all Arab pop music and all VERY loud.
During the evening, my friend and I would smile and say our hello's again to Holly's sisters and mom. But there was never anything beyond the head nod or a polite smile. That all changed around midnight when Holly got us onto the dance floor. Now picture a large square dance floor with fancy wing-back chairs surrounding three of the sides. The bridal party, and the groom's family were all seated around the dance floor ready to see what we would do. I looked at my friend who was blushing beat red and mouthed to me, "this is my worst nightmare come true!" What else could we do, but dance? The music was unfamiliar and the moves even more awkward, but as soon as we got into it, they all started clapping for us and several girls joined us. I was so relieved! Even the bride was clapping and encouraged us to dance a second song. What was I thinking?! I was so not prepared for this! But, it was hysterically fun and we were 100% entertaining to these women who had probably never seen American women dancing except for on "Dancing with the Stars."
At the end of the second song, we bid our adieu to the ladies and began to leave the dance floor. Our ears were flooded with cheers and suddenly Holly's sister's were up hugging our necks and kissing our cheeks. From that moment on, we were accepted. We were no longer the 'outsiders' with whom they studied with cautious curiousity. Now we were the women who had abandoned our cultural comfort zone in order to reach into theirs and we grasped their hearts in the process. Her mother even smiled and gave us warm hugs as we left the party near 1am.
We've already been invited to another wedding scheduled for the end of this month. Maybe I should take some Arabic dancing lessons before venturing out onto the dance floor again. Naw...why ruin a good thing?
We were cordially welcomed by Holly's family with hello's and the kiss on the cheek. But we were still being held at arms length emotionally after the formalities were completed. Which was okay, because we realize that building friends with Arab women is just that--BUILDING. It takes much more time and patience than in the West because they are accustomed to only having female family members as friends. They typically don't move away from home, so the families are extremely large and very well connected. Whereas, in the West, frequent moving within families causes people to look outside of the family circle for friends.
One thing I noticed right off, was that many of women were choosing to wear their abayas even when others were showing off their new formal wear. Naomi told me that friends of the family or distant relatives do not take off their abayas. It was only those within the wedding party who had the option of not wearing the abaya. Ooops! Another cultural faux paux for me! Oh well--it's not like I had an abaya hanging in the car, and neither did my friend. So, we were the 2 western odd-ball women with no wedding gift and no abaya. Strike TWO for the evening in building a bridge with Holly's immediate family members.
But did I allow the ball to pass the plate a third time without swinging all the way through? No way! I looked at that cultural ball dead on and said, "Bring it!" I swung and hit a home run into the hearts of her family. How, you ask? Dancing. I know. Many of you are probably thinking you have seen me dance and it's nothing to brag about nor something you'd want to see again. At an Arab wedding parties (no matter what stage) only the immediate family members are invited to dance during the evening. All other ladies sit around the dance floor clapping to the beat and throwing money onto the dancers. I asked Holly when she was going to dance and she told me that it was not really her thing and would wait until late in the night to get onto the dance floor.
Now the dance floor is never overly crowded, even though there are nearly 100 women in attendance at this party. It seemed like an intricate social signal as to who was to dance when and with which group. There were even a few older Bedouin style songs played during the evening. The older ladies would cover their face with a veil and then sway back and forth to the music while the younger ones clapped for them. Not one Top 40 hit came on during the night. It was all Arab pop music and all VERY loud.
During the evening, my friend and I would smile and say our hello's again to Holly's sisters and mom. But there was never anything beyond the head nod or a polite smile. That all changed around midnight when Holly got us onto the dance floor. Now picture a large square dance floor with fancy wing-back chairs surrounding three of the sides. The bridal party, and the groom's family were all seated around the dance floor ready to see what we would do. I looked at my friend who was blushing beat red and mouthed to me, "this is my worst nightmare come true!" What else could we do, but dance? The music was unfamiliar and the moves even more awkward, but as soon as we got into it, they all started clapping for us and several girls joined us. I was so relieved! Even the bride was clapping and encouraged us to dance a second song. What was I thinking?! I was so not prepared for this! But, it was hysterically fun and we were 100% entertaining to these women who had probably never seen American women dancing except for on "Dancing with the Stars."
At the end of the second song, we bid our adieu to the ladies and began to leave the dance floor. Our ears were flooded with cheers and suddenly Holly's sister's were up hugging our necks and kissing our cheeks. From that moment on, we were accepted. We were no longer the 'outsiders' with whom they studied with cautious curiousity. Now we were the women who had abandoned our cultural comfort zone in order to reach into theirs and we grasped their hearts in the process. Her mother even smiled and gave us warm hugs as we left the party near 1am.
We've already been invited to another wedding scheduled for the end of this month. Maybe I should take some Arabic dancing lessons before venturing out onto the dance floor again. Naw...why ruin a good thing?
Lessons from the Match Maker
My friend and I were invited this week to our second formal event with Holly's family. We thought it was the wedding of one of her siblings, but it was actually the 'gift party' which happens several weeks after a wedding. Of course we didn't learn this until we had arrived at the 5-star hotel ballroom empty handed of any type of 'gift'. Our saving grace was Holly's cousin, Naomi*, who elected to sit with the only 2 western women in attendance (that would be me and my friend) and answer our plethora of cultural questions.
Naomi explained the four major parties within an Arab marriage arrangement. I must say she was the expert because she is known amongst her family and friends as the "Match Maker". Naomi explained that the first step is for a man to scout the friends and family (extremely common here) circles to select the bride of his choice. Once both families have agreed and the bride price has been paid of up to $55,000 USD, the four stages go into full swing. The first is the formal engagement party where the man arrives at an hour unknown to present his bride to be with precious jewels. This generally takes place in a large family home, but can be an elaborate affair in a hotel or marriage hall. The second is the henna party. This is only for the sisters, moms, cousins, aunts, and possibly a few extremely close friends of the bride. The confusing part of this one for me was that you don't have henna done at the party. You are supposed to arrive with intricate henna designs already tattooed on your body. After enjoying a nice meal together and wishing the bride well, the guests all receive a gift of henna.
The third event in this process is the wedding. The men will meet in one location enjoying lamb and all the trimmings, smoking shisha, and dancing to almost unbearably loud arabic music. And the women will meet in another location enjoying a full meal, dancing to arabic music, while anxiously awaiting for the groom to arrive at an unknown hour. Wedding celebrations typically begin around 9pm with the groom arriving sometime around midnight. Once he arrives and takes his bride away, the marriage ceremony is over. But don't be fooled. The dancing goes on into the wee hours of the morning.
Several weeks after the wedding, the groom's family will host the final stage in the marriage saga--the gift party. This is where you are to come to shower the bride with gifts for her to take into her marriage. Now this is not like an American wedding shower by any stretch of the imagination. Had I been told it was a 'gift party', I would have shown up with a skillet or a the token toaster only to embarrass myself and Holly. Naomi explained that you are to bring gifts of GOLD to the bride. Somehow a toaster would have seemed a bit out of place set next to precious jems and gold jewelry.
Naomi was a wealth of information as she shared about her own life experience of getting married at the age of 12. "Love had nothing to do with the decision," she told us. "Love only comes after you are married." She was chosen by her 1st cousin when he graduated from University and she had just completed the 5th grade. She was married before 6th grade began, but waited nearly 10 years before having children in order to finish high school and University. They have been married for over 30 years and have four teenage daughters. I asked her if she could imagine having one of her daughters married at the age of 12. Her reply? "Absolutely not! Their education is more important than marriage. The can be married only after finishing University."
*Naomi: name changed
Naomi explained the four major parties within an Arab marriage arrangement. I must say she was the expert because she is known amongst her family and friends as the "Match Maker". Naomi explained that the first step is for a man to scout the friends and family (extremely common here) circles to select the bride of his choice. Once both families have agreed and the bride price has been paid of up to $55,000 USD, the four stages go into full swing. The first is the formal engagement party where the man arrives at an hour unknown to present his bride to be with precious jewels. This generally takes place in a large family home, but can be an elaborate affair in a hotel or marriage hall. The second is the henna party. This is only for the sisters, moms, cousins, aunts, and possibly a few extremely close friends of the bride. The confusing part of this one for me was that you don't have henna done at the party. You are supposed to arrive with intricate henna designs already tattooed on your body. After enjoying a nice meal together and wishing the bride well, the guests all receive a gift of henna.
The third event in this process is the wedding. The men will meet in one location enjoying lamb and all the trimmings, smoking shisha, and dancing to almost unbearably loud arabic music. And the women will meet in another location enjoying a full meal, dancing to arabic music, while anxiously awaiting for the groom to arrive at an unknown hour. Wedding celebrations typically begin around 9pm with the groom arriving sometime around midnight. Once he arrives and takes his bride away, the marriage ceremony is over. But don't be fooled. The dancing goes on into the wee hours of the morning.
Several weeks after the wedding, the groom's family will host the final stage in the marriage saga--the gift party. This is where you are to come to shower the bride with gifts for her to take into her marriage. Now this is not like an American wedding shower by any stretch of the imagination. Had I been told it was a 'gift party', I would have shown up with a skillet or a the token toaster only to embarrass myself and Holly. Naomi explained that you are to bring gifts of GOLD to the bride. Somehow a toaster would have seemed a bit out of place set next to precious jems and gold jewelry.
Naomi was a wealth of information as she shared about her own life experience of getting married at the age of 12. "Love had nothing to do with the decision," she told us. "Love only comes after you are married." She was chosen by her 1st cousin when he graduated from University and she had just completed the 5th grade. She was married before 6th grade began, but waited nearly 10 years before having children in order to finish high school and University. They have been married for over 30 years and have four teenage daughters. I asked her if she could imagine having one of her daughters married at the age of 12. Her reply? "Absolutely not! Their education is more important than marriage. The can be married only after finishing University."
*Naomi: name changed
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