Lessons from the Match Maker

My friend and I were invited this week to our second formal event with Holly's family. We thought it was the wedding of one of her siblings, but it was actually the 'gift party' which happens several weeks after a wedding. Of course we didn't learn this until we had arrived at the 5-star hotel ballroom empty handed of any type of 'gift'. Our saving grace was Holly's cousin, Naomi*, who elected to sit with the only 2 western women in attendance (that would be me and my friend) and answer our plethora of cultural questions.

Naomi explained the four major parties within an Arab marriage arrangement. I must say she was the expert because she is known amongst her family and friends as the "Match Maker". Naomi explained that the first step is for a man to scout the friends and family (extremely common here) circles to select the bride of his choice. Once both families have agreed and the bride price has been paid of up to $55,000 USD, the four stages go into full swing. The first is the formal engagement party where the man arrives at an hour unknown to present his bride to be with precious jewels. This generally takes place in a large family home, but can be an elaborate affair in a hotel or marriage hall. The second is the henna party. This is only for the sisters, moms, cousins, aunts, and possibly a few extremely close friends of the bride. The confusing part of this one for me was that you don't have henna done at the party. You are supposed to arrive with intricate henna designs already tattooed on your body. After enjoying a nice meal together and wishing the bride well, the guests all receive a gift of henna.

The third event in this process is the wedding. The men will meet in one location enjoying lamb and all the trimmings, smoking shisha, and dancing to almost unbearably loud arabic music. And the women will meet in another location enjoying a full meal, dancing to arabic music, while anxiously awaiting for the groom to arrive at an unknown hour. Wedding celebrations typically begin around 9pm with the groom arriving sometime around midnight. Once he arrives and takes his bride away, the marriage ceremony is over. But don't be fooled. The dancing goes on into the wee hours of the morning.

Several weeks after the wedding, the groom's family will host the final stage in the marriage saga--the gift party. This is where you are to come to shower the bride with gifts for her to take into her marriage. Now this is not like an American wedding shower by any stretch of the imagination. Had I been told it was a 'gift party', I would have shown up with a skillet or a the token toaster only to embarrass myself and Holly. Naomi explained that you are to bring gifts of GOLD to the bride. Somehow a toaster would have seemed a bit out of place set next to precious jems and gold jewelry.

Naomi was a wealth of information as she shared about her own life experience of getting married at the age of 12. "Love had nothing to do with the decision," she told us. "Love only comes after you are married." She was chosen by her 1st cousin when he graduated from University and she had just completed the 5th grade. She was married before 6th grade began, but waited nearly 10 years before having children in order to finish high school and University. They have been married for over 30 years and have four teenage daughters. I asked her if she could imagine having one of her daughters married at the age of 12. Her reply? "Absolutely not! Their education is more important than marriage. The can be married only after finishing University."

*Naomi: name changed